For All Of You Who Didn't Know, I Now Live In Ithaca...

Yeah, so I got back from Vermont some time around the end of August. I had a few bad job interviews and a few that went well. I ended up interviewing at A.C. Moore in Ithaca (store 73), which when I had filled out the application I thought "Pfft yeah right, like I'll get hired here?? Honestly, I'm not that crafty" I thought of the people that worked at A.C. Moore (and Michael's) to be old naggy ladies and totally socially awkward people.

Honestly, it wasn't that bad. I started out with 40 hours a week, making more than minimum wage, and having no experience in retail what-so-ever. But I did have a 4 year college degree. As much as I hated going back to school when I transferred to Coby, that was the best thing I ever did. I went from 'the Ireland version of a mexican on a cow dairy' to 'semi-suburb retail rookie which did all the receiving' (AKA glorified box boy) to 'youngest manager at A.C. Moore, specifically 'logistics supervisor'' (A.K.A. Wayyy over glorified box boy) Yeah, that's right. After only 7 1/2 weeks of being receiver, Chris (the 'logistics supervisor' AKA Head of back room) left for a job he hoped to get. He never got the job, but he still left. =(

Lots of responsibility for somebody who knew nothing about retail. It would be different if I had a degree in retail but had never actually done anything with it, but nope, nothing. Though, I guess I did have customer service down pretty well. Anyway, it's only been two days and I feel exhausted everyday and miss Chris more and more. And to be honest, I'm sore. My muscles hurt... kind of makes me think how lazy I've been the last few months since I left Vermont. Either way, my poor boyfriend has to deal with me, and my being exhausted every day after work. Let's be honest, after being emotionally and physically drained by 3 PM is terrible.

Anyway... I lead a semi-boring life. I do have another post that I want to do that should have taken place between the last post and this one, maybe I'll back-date it some time. Anyway. Time to go do something else.

This is the beginning of an end of another chapter in my life...

Tomorrow will begin my last first day of classes as an undergrad. It's official; I'm getting old. I am going to be 22 years old in March. The horse that we had since I was in fourth grade died in October. The dog that was born on our farm when I was in first grade died around Christmas. My cat, which I've had since sixth grade is losing weight by the day. My grandfather and grandmother on my dad's side are both failing quickly (Come on, grandpa is in a nursing home... but at least he remembers the five dollar bet ;) ) It's been almost four years since I've been out of high school, and yeah, I took a year off... if I had gone to Coby instead of SU, I would have graduated a year early with my bachelor's last year.

One of the things that is the worst about all of this stuff though, is moving out. Last Sunday, I shipped 10 of my animals. Two heifer calves, Two two-year old heifers, and all of my babies (which were the cows). Yes, Candi is finally gone. She was my first show cow and I have had her since she was 6 months old. She will be twelve years old in March and it's extremely sad to think that when I walk in to the barn from now on, I won't see her curly little body- nor will I see the other 9 animals. It's emotionally trying for me, I guess. Most people that have cows don't understand. They were my pets and I had them for a long time. Most dairy cows don't last half the age that Candi was, and any beef farmer that has a normal set up doesn't have the type of contact with their animals like we do. Our set up is very intensive and we spend at least an hour every night cleaning and feeding.

Candi was the sixth animal to go onto that trailer, and when I put the halter on her, it made me sad that never again will she be mine. Yeah, sure it was sad; but I've come to grips with it. Mark made it that much easier though. I know what I want from my life; and I knew that I couldn't have the life that I wanted unless I sold my cows and had no more responsibilities at home. I realized that I needed to go start my own normal life that doesn't involve farming for a while.

And so that is my life for now. I'm done writing now because I just saw a syllabus for one of my classes this semester and I'm freaking out about how much bullshit stuff I have to do. Oh btw, all that stress from last semester paid off. I completed 21 credits with a 3.62. Yay!!! Ok, anyway. Good night all!

You Got To Let Me Go. Are We Human? Or Are We Denser? My Sign Is Vital, My Hands Are Cold, And I'm On My Knees Looking For The Answers

Wow, I haven't been this angsty in a long time. Seriously, I feel like, high school angst almost... I'm 21 years old. I thought I grew out of that stage a loooong long time ago. Although, a piece that could be contributing to the puzzle is that I'm in constant pain because my lower back is killing me. And that I'm taking 21 credits this semester... And that I'm supposed to take the GRE in 20 days... Ugh. I just want this semester to be over with. At least this weekend Dad's bringing the cows in, so I can go home and straighten out some aggression, as well as get a slaughter date for my steer which is supposed to be going this fall. I also get to bring demon child back with me for class which will be good times all around.

I honestly still don't know what I want to do with my life yet. I may call the GRE place and maybe cancel my test appointment. I just can't justify even more stress... And if I do horrible, then those grades will be sent to any grad school I apply to. I just don't know anymore... Advice? But Anyway...

So Mandi got married almost two weeks ago. Shannon, Jayme, and I were bridesmaids and it was definitely good times all around. I'll probably write a post solely for that in due time...

So it's been a year since my Grandma passed away. We miss her all the same still and I can't believe that it's been a year already. Honestly, the first post that I posted in this blog, was about that... And I mention how I could see it a month after the fact, like it had happened yesterday... It is still that way. That image will haunt me forever. We still all miss you Grandma...

This also means that Mark and I are coming up on the one year thing as well. I still can't believe it's been a year for that either. The time is just flying by...

Okay, I'm going to go sleep now. Maybe it will do my grumpy self some good. Better post next time. I promise.

I Used To Rule The World, Seas Would Rise When I Gave The Word. Now In The Morning I Sleep Alone, Sweep The Streets I Used To Own

So. I think enough time has gone by since my first entry... Let me calculate... Yup, a little over 2 months. I'm sorry I never get a chance to update, it's not even like I have a good excuse; I certainly don't have a life.

So yeah, I'm back in Cobleskill. And Mark is at Cornell. We're still good. Still happy and all that; I'll spare you all the sappy details... I still have my car and amazingly enough, it is still in one piece (After having a transmission line go once, blow a tire on 90, said transmission line go again and leave me stranded, and service engine soon and coolent low light acting like a freaking blinking christmas light bulbs)... My computer however, has not faired so well. I never really had a problem with this, though I should have known it was coming... I mean, the charger can only get ripped out of the computer just so many times before it kills the computer. In my defense, I'm a college kid and sometimes kids trip over power cords, whatever, it happens. Anyway, about a day after we got internet here at the apartment, the computer stopped taking a charge. I knew it wasn't the charger because I had replaced it a few months earlier... So a few days later I took it to the mac store, where they told me it would be $300 flat rate to ship it out, they couldn't guarentee that this was the only problem, and if there was a bigger problem, it would be $600 more. So, in short, since I'm a poor college kid with no job... *gulp* I bought an HP laptop. RIP The Monster. You will forever be missed.

Let me just say that I hate HP and Windows Vista with a god damn passion. I really wish I could have afforded a mac, but I needed a computer and I wasn't really given much of a choice. I mean, it takes getting used to, and it's not TOO horrible... But I go to hook it up to my HP three-in-one 1610 that I bought from the mac store with my Monster 3 years ago, and it says it can't find the software for it, so I download it, and now my computer comes up with internal errors. AND it won't scan normally. You have to scan it from paint. And everytime you're done using the printer, you have to delete it. FUCK YOU WINDOWS, FUCK YOU. Ok, I'm done.

One more thing before I get moving onto why I'm really updating this... So tonight, I decided to drink a bit of Red Cat and study for my Problems with Domestic Animal Behavior class, and watch a movie. So I get done studying, I'm chilling here watching Super Troopers, and I see this little grey thing out of the corner of my eye; I automatically think that it's a moth, because I have been battling them a bit in the last few days... Previous to this, I opened my closet door to air it out because I live in the basement and its a little bit musty... not to find a mouse. So yeah, it didn't take me long to discover that they little grey thing which I had previously thought was a moth, was a little tiny baby mouse. Thank God I am not my sister, because she would have screamed and woke the whole house up, but I shooed it into a corner, put the garbage can over it, and called my roommate Andrew Kludt (Kludt) for some assistance. Luckily, Abbie's hamster died a few weeks ago, so we have an empty hamster cage, which is where I placed the little bugger.

I felt bad killing him... So sue me. So now he is my little make shift pet that stays on my desk, which will make things interesting when demon child (my dads cat) comes to visit when I have to take him to my Problems with Domestic Animals class... Oh well...

So... My real reason for writing, mainly because it's been on my mind for quite a while now, plus I have nothing else to do right now so it's the perfect opportunity! School has been going well and everything; aside from actually having classes where you have to do homework, read, and study... And I don't have much of a social life anymore. I hardly ever go out because we live so far away from everything, and I don't like getting hammered out of my mind so much anymore. I miss last year, but not because of these reasons... I think that more than anything, what is bringing me back to last year, is fall itself. The smell, the atmosphere... You all know what I mean, so I'm not crazy. But along with missing last year, it's also making me miss the people. A lot. Many people have graduated or transferred, and it makes me sad.

For some reason, I've been standing back away from the picture a lot and assessing my life now, and comparing it to how it was. In hindsight, I guess I knew how good I had it, but I never fully appreciated it. (Well, maybe Spring semester I did... =P But anyway...) Last fall I probably met the best people in my life so far, and now they're gone. Not completely gone, but distanced, kind of. I made so many good friends... I really wish I could put it in to words... And no, for all of you thinking I'm talking completely about Mark, I'm not. We haven't been 'distanced' other than physically... I'm talking roughly about this time a year ago. Some of those friendships will never be the same, but I know the ones that came to be tight... will they hopefully never die. I'm probably just rambling on again (I do tend to do that), but I can't help it.

When I walk out of my classes and outside of the buildings and just stand outside, and look up at the sky and smell the Fall air that is now present, all of those memories come flooding back, and I just wish that a maroon Chevy pick up will come pick me up and take me back to 80, or take me to Prentice. Yeah, if you guys didn't know who I was talking about now, most of you will... =P It's not like I'm going to leave Mark for him or anything, it's not like that. I just miss the closeness. How inseperable we were. I could sleep in his bed when I was lonely, sad, or just plain tired and nothing would happen. He never tried anything. It was never more than that for us. And that's what I miss. No matter what, nobody here in Coby will live up to that. Sure, I have Kludt, but it doesn't quite compare. I just want last year back so I can relive it again... It was probably the best year of my life. I just want that person who, no matter what, will be there for you. The shoulder to cry on (or in some cases, to be the shoulder). He was always there for me... for everything I went through, and most of it was bad, but some was good... I just... I hope you all have that one person in your life. If not now, then I wish you had them at one point, or will have them. And please do me a favor, when they show up, make sure you can identify it for what it is, and appreciate it; don't take it for granted. Because before you know it, it will be gone.

Nobody Said It Was Easy, Oh, It's Such a Shame For Us to Part. Noone Ever Said It Would Be So Hard, I'm Going Back to the Start.

So, I guess I'm really bad at updating too...  I used to be so good with my livejournal.  I loved that thing.  Oh well, such is life.

There is one thing that is taking place in my life right now (which is probably taking place in many of yours as well), which I can not bear to think about.  I just read an entry in my cousins journal about it that she wrote a few weeks ago (because I'm horrible at keeping up with these things).  What I'm talking about is change.  Every little thing I do or whenever I make a decision, that could very well determine the rest of my life.  Now, I'm not talking about like, what kind of ice cream I should eat when I go visit work; No, I'm talking about the things such as deciding where to go to school, what kind of job I should get over the summer, etc.  I could have easily taken the tough road, and actually gone to Kansas State like I had planned to do last fall when I applied, but I soon realized there were things at home that were keeping me here.  We all know that my sister and I are very different people and at very different points in our lives; but what if I had been more like her and been more career-oriented than focusing on the love I had found?

Now, don't get me wrong.  Mark is not the sole reason I stayed in New York at Cobleskill, but he certainly did help to make that decision.  I knew that K-State would be an excellent opportunity, and when I got my acceptance letter on April 1st I was like 'Haha, yeah april fools', nice' - But I really was scared to death by what I should actually do, and what I felt was the right thing to do.  I mean, if K-State had given me more financial aid than just $1,000 a year, then I probably would have considered it more.  I mean, signing away my life to be $22,000 in debt per year (so probably a total of 2-2.5) at K-State is not very appealing.  However, I got the financial package two weeks after I had my mind made up as to what I would do.

I remember what Shannon went through with Brandon.  And I know she is very career-oriented and always has been; never much time for boys.  Myself on the other hand, I love having that one person who, no matter what, will always make you smile.  To see that person will make your day.  I love that feeling that you get when you look into their eyes.  And I know how I feel with Mark, and I don't ever want to let that go.  Shannon and Brandon had been together longer than Mark and I....  And they had known each other a lot longer.  I know it was wrong of me to compare, but I couldn't help it.  Now, don't get me wrong, because I love Brandon and think he's an excellent guy, but I don't think they were made for each other, so it's better it didn't work out even though much hurt was involved.  And that was another thing.  The pain they both went through.  Brandon was like my big brother, so I got both sides of the story, but I never want to have to go through what they went through.  And I pray that when Mark goes to Cornell in the fall, we won't have to fight that.  I hope nothing changes.

I just can't help thinking how my life has completely been turned around since I went to Cobleskill.  Even after having been there for a semester, I knew it was better.  When I met Mark last fall, I was the happiest person alive.  Okay, maybe not immediately because I did think he was a creep...  But he helped me a lot when my grandmothers were ill in October.  He let me stay on his couch for two days straight because I couldn't bear to be alone.  And no joke, it was two days straight.  I barely left his apartment.  He was there for me and comforted me so well, like nobody else could even though at the time I didn't have any extreme feelings for him.  He also did an amazing job when I was super stressed because mom was having surgery.  He has helped me a lot.  But he has brought the real me back.  I love being around him, we have yet to actually fight, we seem to understand each other well, and I can actually TRUST him.  I don't know if I ever had that with Mike  (no offense if you read this), but I was always worried about Mike and I'm not sure why that is.  Probably a horrible start to our relationship way back in October of '05, but oh well.  ANYWAY.  The point I'm getting at is:  I'm finally making the decisions that will shape the rest of my life.  Going to school in NY instead of KS.  Being in this serious of a relationship at the age of 21.  Keeping my animals or getting rid of them all.  Concentrating more on my school work, or going for more of the social end of it.  It all matters now, it seems.  It's no longer the carefree teenage years that I embraced (seriously.  I'm not being sarcastic).  I'm 21.  I have to grow up.

Some times I'm glad that I'm getting old.  But I also just want to go back and be 10 years old again...

Praying For Daylight, Waiting For That Morning Sun So I Can Act Like My Whole Life Ain’t Going Wrong

I know I always keep saying this, but I can't help but to reiterate...  Time is flying by so fast.  We're over halfway through the semester already!

As many of you already know, my mom has to have open heart surgery.  She has an aortic aneurism.  There are two hospitals that specialize in this type of surgery: Cleveland Clinic (in Ohio) and some hospital in California.  As I type this right now she is doing pre-op at Cleveland.  I don't really know much about her condition, because much like my father, don't tell me unless I need to know because I am a dumb farmer and I don't understand these fancy medical terms. (Not really, but my dad sometimes uses this saying and it seems to fit...) 

So anyway, basically they have to break her rib cage to get to her heart so they can do the surgery (obviously), so the recovery time is going to suck.  Shannon, my father, and my mother will be out in Ohio for a week for this surgery, and since our cows should be having calves any day now, I get to hold down the fort here and be 'farm bitch'.  Although, it's not like I really mind.  I actually like the idea of being home while my cows are calving, since that hasn't been the case for the better part of 3 years.

I guess what I'm really getting at is that you don't know how fortunate you really are until something bad like this happens.  When Grandma died last fall, it really got me thinking and appreciating life itself, as well as making me think what exactly I want out of life.  I don't have any major goals so to speak (except survive...  Although, nobody gets out alive... XD ), but I do want to get as much out of this god forsaken world as I can while I'm here.  When I stand back and think about how much I have, I realize I take it all for granted.  My parents are still together and they love each other very much (although, sometimes I wonder...  Haha, that's a joke.)...  My parents aren't overbearing and they are very understanding with everything I have gone through ( *in absolute hysterics* 'Oh my god, my car is dead.  Dad is going to kill me!  I don't want to die.  Dad's going to kill me.' And low and behold!  I am still alive!) I have a sister who I talk to (I know people that absolutely hate their siblings)...  I have many friends from high school and both colleges that I have gone to, and if I needed anything, most would offer to help...  Up until last year, I was 20 years old and had not lost any close family that I had known...  Other than the fact that I am blind as a bat without my glasses and have a huge chest, I don't have any physical ailments (Although, most people would say the chest is a blessing, I on the other hand, think it's a curse.)...  

Anyway, the people that complain about their life and 'how it's so bad.  I hate my life.'  Blah blah blah.  You really have nothing to say.  I know I must sound like the biggest hypocrite ever.  I know how those people feel; I've been there before.  But no matter how bad life gets, you're still alive.  And unless you have been a complete asshole to everyone you know, somebody out there will be there for you; even if they are 2000 miles away, they're still there for you.  Those people that 'hate their life', one day I hope you will wake up and smell the freshly cut hay (or...  coffee... I dunno...) and realize that no matter how dark and depressing your world may be (or seem, rather), it will get better, and I understand that people need to realize this on their own, much like yours truly...  I just hope you all realize it before it's too late.

Okay, I'm done.  Time to go dig up some grub and check on the moos.

Time Just Keeps Drifting Away...

Five years ago, almost to the day I was turning 16.  I was young, innocent, naive...  My life's ambition was to go to Syracuse University and be a music education major...

In exactly a week, I will be turning 21.  I will be completing my associate's degree here at SUNY Cobleskill in Animal Science, and may possibly be attending Kansas State University for Animal Science in the Fall.  Where has the time gone?